


How I Say I Love You

by FudgingPastry



Series: That God AU [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Multi, Nepeta & Gamzee - Brother/Sister relationship, rape mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:59:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FudgingPastry/pseuds/FudgingPastry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat and Equius go to pay tribute at the shrines for Makara and Leijon, but Equius notices that Karkat's not acting like normal. While Equius pays tribute to Leijon, Karkat and Makara talk about their lives and the people they've lost and they try and calm each other down as best as they can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Say I Love You

“Zahhak! Get your ass out of that pit or so help me, I will—“

“You will do what, cobbler?” Equius asked, wiping his hands off on a nearby towel as he stared down at the short, chubby cobbler leaning against the doorframe. Karkat pulled back with a huff and side-eyed the blacksmith. Equius shifted his weight, glancing back at the red-hot forge and then down at Karkat. He sighed and threw the towel over his shoulder and walked back into his workshop. Karkat listened to him move around and gather things together. He winced as something crashed to the floor, followed by a whispered ‘fiddlesticks’. By the time the blacksmith was ready to go, his gifts packed neatly into a satchel, Karkat had slid to the ground, his expression unreadable. Equius’ shoulders drooped at the sight, but with a heavy sigh, he pulled Karkat to his feet and motioned that they should go. Karkat nodded and hurried after the blacksmith.

The two walked out of the village, their trip to the shrines silent save for their breathing and fallen leaves crunching underfoot. Though he kept his eyes straight ahead, Equius could tell that something was wrong with Karkat. Something the short man wasn’t telling and something he wouldn’t pry into. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t care about the other’s well-being.

“I am certain you remember that sculpture I was working on at the Midwinter Festival?” It took a moment before Karkat realized Equius was waiting for him to speak up. He nodded and grunted in reply. “Good. I was sure that you would. It is an exquisite piece of fine art and…” He trailed off as Karkat’s head drooped. He coughed and continued.

“As I was saying, I finished the piece. And I do hope it is to _her_ liking.” Karkat seemed to perk up at that. Equius suppressed the urge to smile triumphantly and waited instead to hear whatever long tirade Karkat was about to go on.

“Her?” He asked simply and Equius’ heart fell a little at the short reply.

“Yes, her. The god of the hunt, er, goddess of the hunt.” He clarified. Karkat turned his head up toward him. His head dropped and Equius thought that he had said something wrong when Karkat stopped and snorted. His shoulder shook as he tried to keep himself quiet, but he eventually broke out into full on laughter.

“That sculpture’s for Leijon? What is it, a cat dick on a pedestal?”

“I am appalled that you would assume that I’d create something so vulgar for someone as high as her! I order you to apologize for that assumption right this minute.”

“Right, right, you want me to apologize. Yeah okay, how about instead I don’t fix your shoes the next time they catch on fire or melt into the floor?” Equius gasped in horror and Karkat waved his hand, walking on ahead to the shrines. As he left, Equius smiled; it looked as though Karkat was returning to normal. At least, he hoped.

When they arrived at Makara’s shrine, the two brushed twigs and leaves off the shrine, cleaning it off. Once the shrine was cleaned of forest debris, Equius reached into his satchel and brought out objects necessary to pay tribute to the god. He pulled out a couple sticks of incense and ten candles and he placed them carefully on the ledge of the shrine that surrounded the statue of Makara. As he set up the candles, Karkat laid out a wicker mat in front of the shrine so that the gifts wouldn’t get dirty from the ground. Equius stepped over Karkat, glancing down often to check his face. At one point, Karkat caught him looking and questioned him. He turned away, but Karkat saw the faint blush dusting his cheeks.

Karkat paused in his work, his hands shaking and his heart pounding and when he knew the blacksmith wasn’t looking, he wiped at his eyes. He wasn’t going to break down here. Not today. Not again. He needed to be strong, steady, and he wouldn’t cry. At least, not while Equius was there.

“Vantas.” Karkat snapped out of his trance at Equius’ voice. He looked up to see him staring down at him, the candles and incense already burning. They looked at each other for a while, Karkat’s heart pounding hard in his ears. He could tell him. He could tell him right now. That might help, he thought. Equius seemed to sense that he wanted to tell him something and Karkat opened his mouth, but he ducked his head at the last minute. He mumbled an apology and something about laying out the tribute. He sneaked a glance at Equius and saw that his shoulders were drooped, lower than his normal shoulders-back stance. _Does he also…?_ Karkat shook the thought away before it could finish and grabbed his own satchel.

With the gifts laid out on the mat, Karkat kneeled down to pray. Equius bowed his head, whispering a prayer of thanks and a prayer for a profitable year. Once finished, he threw his satchel over his shoulder and waved to Karkat.

“I will be going to Leijon’s shrine now. Do you have a tribute for her?” Karkat dug into his bag and handed Equius a bundle of cattails and catnip. He nodded approvingly and left the cobbler to his prayers. Karkat watched him go, his heart slowing and his gaze turned down to the ground.

“Hope the motherfucker stays longer with Nepeta than he did with me.”

Karkat jumped at the low voice and spun around to see Gamzee smiling down at him. The god swept down and wrapped their long arms around him.

“Glad you could motherfucking make it, my best beloved.” Karkat squeezed them back, his smile wide and happy. “Now lemme see what the two of you all up and brought for this old motherfucker.” Gamzee let him go and peered at the gifts. Karkat stood off to the side, rubbing his arm nervously. The tribute included a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, fine cloth from Kanaya, some poetry from Tavros, and a couple of mushrooms Karkat found the last time he visited. Gamzee’s hand shot out and grabbed all the strawberries they could find and popped each one into their mouth with a wide smile. They searched through the vegetables, tossing out any celery sticks they found, and snuck a sweet potato into their robe.

They picked up the fine cloth and gazed at it, their eyes widening at the finery of it. They wrapped the cloth around their shoulders and turned in a circle for Karkat to see. He smiled and clapped. Gamzee fell into a fit of giggles, their shoulders shaking with the effort to not completely burst out into mirthful laughter. When they spotted the mushrooms, they gasped loudly, dropped almost everything they were carrying and scooped up the mushrooms. They popped one into their mouth and offered some to Karkat.

“No thanks. I know they’re your favorite, you ass. Just take them.”

“Aw, no best friend. Even if they’re your gift to little old motherfucking me, I can choose who all up and gets a taste of this miracle. And you, my brother, are worthy of such a miracle.” Knowing he would lose, Karkat accepted one of the mushrooms and ate it as Gamzee watched. “Good, right best friend?”

“Yeah, they’re pretty good. For something that feeds off dead things and sprouted from the bark of a rotting tree.”

“Motherfucking miracles.”

“Yeah, miracles.” Gamzee noticed his body droop and they leaned over him, butting their head against him gently. He gave a half-hearted smile that they thought was supposed to be reassuring, but the way it fell so quickly and the way he turned his head away didn’t sit right with them.

“Motherfucker all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look or sound motherfucking fine to me, brother.”

“Well I am, Gamzee. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Something’s wrong.”

“Everything’s fine, Gamzee.” Karkat growled, hunching down.

“Must not be for a motherfucker to all be growling at his best friend and all.” Karkat spun around to snap at them, but they rose to their feet. With a frown on their face and their brow furrowed in frustration, they asked one more time what was wrong. Karkat turned away, silent and brooding. Their frown deepened and they reached down and grabbed ahold of Karkat. In one fluid movement, they threw him over their shoulder and carried him off, ignoring his loud cries of protest.

They carried him off through the forest until they found a clear, sunny spot and they set him down. He whipped around and starting shouting and spitting insults and Gamzee sat down, their back against a tree as they waited for him to simmer down.

“Why did you bring me here?” He asked, his voice low and Gamzee noticed the slight waver in it. They sighed and leaned forward, gaze locked onto his.

“Because something’s bothering you brother. No, don’t even try to motherfucking argue with me. I ain’t listening to that. You’ll up and tell me it’s nothing. But I got my know on you. You’ll say that this something is nothing, but best beloved I know you. I know you motherfucking well and nothing bothers you this much. Nothing in this world bothers you this much. So either it’s not in this world or this nothing is a pretty big something.” They opened their arms, beckoning them over. “So come on get your miraculous self over here and tell me about your something.”

Karkat huffed, but Gamzee’s arms stayed outstretched towards him. He crawled over and they pulled him into their lap, one hand petting through his hair.

“Tell me what’s eating you brother.”

And Karkat did. He closed his eyes and leaned against the god’s chest. He told them everything. He told them how his father had gotten sick and how afraid he was of losing his father. He told them about the woman he met a year ago, the one with the bright red glasses and the wild hair with an even more wild personality. He told them how she couldn’t see, but that if you came up behind her she’d smack you around with her cane. If she wanted to fuck with you even more, she’d break open her cane and she’d threaten to slit your throat. He told them how he hadn’t heard anything from her recently and how he was worried as all fuck about her safety. When he’d slow down or paused, Gamzee would ask a question, nudging them to keep speaking. When he would get worked up and go on a rant and forget to breathe evenly, they’d run their hands through his hair and shoosh him quietly. Slowly, ever so slowly, he relaxed against their chest and his rants would quieten until he was sitting quietly, an ear to their chest and his breathing steady.

“That was a lot of somethings, my best beloved. But I get the feeling you ain’t quite done yet. You got one more nothing for me?” Karkat hid his face in their chest, mumbling something they couldn’t quite hear. “Sorry best beloved, but I didn’t catch that. My motherfucking ears are up here on my head, not in my gut.” He took in a deep breath and moved far enough away so they could hear him.

“It’s… Equius.” He hid his face in their chest again.

“The blacksmith? Is he causing you harm? Do I need to fuck a motherfucker up? Karbro, come on—“

“No! No, I… He’s not hurting me. Not really.”

“What do ya mean, ‘not really’? Best beloved, come on, look at me. I need to see my best beloved’s face.” He gazed up at Gamzee, tears in his eyes and his voice wavered.

“I… I think I… but I don’t know if he…” Karkat trailed off, his shoulders shaking.

Gamzee wrapped their arms around his follower, his best beloved, and they held him tightly. He didn’t need to say anything more. They knew. They understood. His feelings for the blacksmith were eating him up inside and he was a hopeless romantic without a clue of how to tell if Zahhak felt the same way for him. They’d have to ask Nepeta the next time they saw her. She would know Zahhak’s feelings. Karkat stayed silent after that and Gamzee rubbed his back, attempting to calm him down. After a moment of thought, they spoke.

“You know, best beloved, I don’t think I’ll ever have an iteration that’s without a Vantas.”

“What are you talking about, you brainless clown?” Karkat’s voice was still shaky, but it steadied as he grew curious.

“I’m talking about you, my best beloved. You and your fathers and grandfathers and ancestors because I’ve always had a Vantas somewhere during each of my cycles. I’ve got you, my firecracker. Last I had was the little, never-ending chatterbox Kankri and even motherfucking before that, way back when you humans were first getting started in your villages and tiny towns, I had him.” Their voice changed in pitch. It sounded old and faraway, as if they were lost in their mind.

“I had Kekara. The first one I ever had for a lot of motherfucking things. He was my first tribute, ever brother. First one in all the motherfucking world. I remember him too. Remember him brighter than the sun I see every morning. I remember him being scared of me. I would be scared of me too, if I didn’t know what I was expecting. I was so surprised to see him, I didn’t even know what to do. Little motherfucker had to explain to me what he was doing there, telling me he was my tribute and he started shaking like an autumn leaf in the wind. When I asked him what he was all up and shaking about, he told me he expected me to…” Gamzee licked their lips nervously and their hand stopped rubbing circles into Karkat’s back.

“Motherfucker expected me to… rape him.” The word came out forced and choked. Karkat turned to see their face. It was contorted into a mixture of rage and disgust. Seeing that he was looking at them, their face relaxed back into its typical mellow expression.

“Told me that and I just couldn’t understand why he’d think that. I didn’t make any advances to any motherfuckers that weren’t willing. Maybe another god did that and that’s where they got the idea, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. He was all out there and shivering and the like, so I up and took him home. Kept him warm and fed well. I asked him who he was and we introduced each other. Well, as much as we could, seeing as my self back then didn’t like to give out their name without all knowing who they were giving their name too.

“We talked for hours and Kekara had so many ideas on how to improve things in the town he lived in. I listened to him and I agreed with all he was saying. He had all these ideas for a peaceful world and place where people wouldn’t kill other people for a motherfucking piece of nutrition. I told him that I’d give him my approval. I’d make it obvious that he was in my graces and maybe that would help them change their minds about the way they were livin’. It worked. It worked for a long motherfucking time.

“That is, until someone got angry at him. A whole lotta someones. They all got together and they went to one of the old gods, Skiela. They twisted his words and made it seem like he was this terrible person.” Their voice lowered and as they spoke, their words came out in a snarl. “They told her that he was a blasphemer. Told her how he had plans for the people to stop believing in the gods or some such nonsense. The motherfucking—“ Karkat turned fully so that he was facing them and patted their face, bringing their attention away from their anger. They glanced down and with a heavy sigh, they dropped their head so that it pressed against his.

“They killed him.” The words came out choked and Karkat patted their face again. “They lifted him up and they called him blasphemer and heretic and they shot him and the last thing I heard from him was his scream. My first beloved. My first tribute. My first Vantas and he died from the peace he preached.”

Tears dripped from their face and it only took one ‘shoosh’ from Karkat for them to burst out into sobs. They wrapped their arms around him and cried. They cried hard and they cried loudly. Karkat wriggled his arms up and out of their vice-like grip and pat their face rapidly.

“Shoosh, Gamzee, shoosh. You brainless, whimpering clown, shooooooooosh.” They hiccupped and Karkat kissed their forehead, running a hand through their hair while they continued to pap them. As he tried to calm them down, he noticed they were muttering something. He listened, his shooshing quieting so he could hear them and what he heard stopped him in his tracks.

“I’m so sorry, so sorry Kekara. I didn’t mean for you to die. Not like that. I don’t want to lose any more people. I don’t want to motherfucking lose any more motherfucking people. I don’t want to lose my best beloved. Not again. Not like that. Not like anything. I don’t want to lose you too. Not you. I’d die a thousand times if it meant I could be with you. I love you, my best beloved. I love you so motherfucking much it hurts, best beloved. My dear one. My love. My best beloved. My Vantas. My Karkat. My motherfucking Karkat.”

“Gamzee, shoosh, Gamzee, look at me. Stop your stupid-ass crying and look at my goddamn face.” Karkat grabbed their face and glared until they were sniffling. The tears didn’t stop and their shoulder shuddered with each shaking breath. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Gamzee. I can’t believe that I’m trying to calm a fucking god down from a giant, goddamn sob-fest. Shit, Gamzee. You even got snot in my hair. I’m going to have to take a fucking bath for three hours straight because you don’t have the decency of a hound to wipe your nose on something other than my hair. You may be the most brainless, senseless god I ever decided to follow,” Gamzee’s gaze dropped and Karkat forced their head back up. “But… You are also the most romantic piece of shit who just said the most romantic thing to me and, god damn it Gamzee, you… You need to stop your crying. You need to stop your crying because apparently, I’ve got to teach your head something that you haven’t learned in all your cycles of life.

“We’re gonna die. All of us. Every last one of us. Even you, though you’ll take a hell of a lot longer than any of us will. You will outlive me, Gamzee. That’s a fact. I said stop crying. Look, it’s a fact of life that you’re gonna lose people. You’re gonna lose a lot of people, either through death or through a falling out with them. It’s gonna happen. But it doesn’t make your life worthless or terrible because you lost them. Even if you think you could’ve done something to help Kekara. He was going to die anyway. But you had a good time while he was here, right?”

Gamzee nodded, their tears dried. Karkat patted their face, offering a smile.

“Life sucks, you know that better than most. But the things that make life worth tolerating aren’t how many people you had around you, but it’s the memories you get from those you did have around you. You told me that you remember Kekara ‘brighter than the sun’ and that was centuries ago. You still remember him and you remember all the good times you had with him. When I die – Gamzee, no, don’t you dare start that shit up again – when I die, you’ll remember this moment. You will remember every goddamn time I dealt with your ass and you will smile your stupid, brainless smile because it’s you.

“You make life tolerable when you make sure all the people around you know you love them. Even if you’re scared to, you tell them you love them. You just did. You told Kekara you loved him and you told me,” Karkat sniffled a little, getting emotional from his speech. “You told me that you loved me. And that made me feel a hell of a lot better than you rubbing my back. Not saying that didn’t feel nice, holy shit it did, but hearing you say that you love me reminded me how good life is.

“So Gamzee, I love you as much as I love anyone in the world and not because you’re a fucking god. But because of times like this. You fat sack of idiocy.” Gamzee grinned and squeezed Karkat tightly, whispering a thank you. Karkat nodded, thanking them in return. They sat like that for a long while, until the sun was sinking towards the horizon. Karkat stood and told them that he needed to get back to the shrine so he and Equius could go home. They walked with him back and when he returned, Equius jumped up from the side of the shrine, his worry disappearing. He berated Karkat for disappearing so long and he laughed, telling him that he had to sort through some things.

“So are you… feeling better, Vantas?”

“Uh, what? What do you mean ‘feeling better’?”

“Ah! Well, it was just that, excuse me if this is out of turn, but you… You were not acting like your proper self on our way here. I was… worried for you.” Karkat blinked, staring at the blacksmith in surprise, feeling the same as when Gamzee told him that they loved him.

“I,” Karkat started, grasping for the words he should say. “I… Yeah, I’m feeling better.” He started walking off toward the village when he turned and looked back at Equius. “Thanks for worrying about me.”

**♑ ♌**

“That counts, little sis.”

“What?! No it doesn’t! The purrameters were that they would confess their love and kiss! They didn’t confess their love, Gamzee!”

Gamzee leaned against a tree, watching the cobbler and the blacksmith walk back to their village. Nepeta toyed the sculpture Equius left for her, pursing her lips in frustration. As they watched, Karkat punched Equius in the shoulder and shouted something the two gods couldn’t make out. Gamzee leaned down, grinning.

“You owe me, little sis.”

“Not until they kiss.”

“We’ll just have to make sure that they do next time.”


End file.
